From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy he's my brother
He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
Those lyrics are from a song called "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" from 1969 by The Hollies.
My oldest brother Russ used to play that for us and try to get us to understand the words. I always liked the song, even though it's pretty cheesy.
On Dec. 23, 2009 I got this message on Facebook from my niece LeTina:
Melissa received a call from Debi regarding Dad being in the VA hospital in Spokane and it is likely he will not come home. I don't know if we should assume he is terminal or if it's that Debi's condition isn't such that she can't take care of herself, so I assume she would not be able to help with Russ either. Melissa has talked with him on his direct line which is 509-434-7821 She didn't get a lot of details out of him, but he has lung cancer and there has been some discussion of surgery. He says he is not ready to die. It's possible there are problems with his liver as well. I haven't called yet myself, but felt I should share this information in case you might want to contact him.
Sorry to be sharing bad news instead of Holiday Cheer. Hope you are all doing well & enjoying spending time with family and friends. What better time for forgiveness than right now.
Love,
LeTina
I have seen my brother Russ twice in the last 10 years--once in 2001 at Dad's funeral and again in 2007 at Mom's funeral. He was drunk both times. And both times he had practically nothing to do with the arrangements, choosing to leave those details to me and Tom and Mary and Sue.
We don't talk on the phone or e-mail or write letters. In the last 10 years or so, he has let his alcoholism control his life. He lost his job at EWU and his retirement because of it. He lost contact with his daughters and his siblings.
So 2 days before Christmas I found out that my oldest brother is dying of lung cancer in a Veterans hospital in Spokane. One by one my siblings contacted him and reported back to the others. Russell has 2-3 months to live. He won't be released from the hospital. He'll die in that room...in that bed. Each update from my brothers and sisters ended with a gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) admonition to "let it go" or to "find a way to forgive."
My problem with that is simple: I didn't know I was angry at Russell. And so, on Monday Dec. 28 I called him. I waited a few days because my brother Gary said that Russ didn't want everyone calling him on Christmas and then no one calling after that.
In my conversation with Russ I told him about the admonition from the others to forgive him. I then told him that I never thought I was mad at him and I hoped he didn't think I was. He said he didn't. I said I was sad for him and felt sorry for him, but not angry. He said he understood.
Today (1/2/10) Shannon and I visited Russ in the hospital. We dropped Eric at the Spokane Airport around 10:00 to fly back to Provo for school and then headed to the VA Hospital.
It's a huge facility. We went to the front desk and were told that Russ is in the nursing home (I think they call it the Community Living Center). His room was 156. We went around back to that building. Russell was in the Hospice Wing.
We got there and his room was empty. We sat on the bench outside his room and in a few minutes his wife Debi wheeled him back. They'd been in the smoking room. I don't think he recognized us at first, at least there was no recognition in his eyes until I said my name.
We went into his room and started visiting. Debi said her mom was coming to pick her up and take her to their place til Tuesday. She said she normally does the hospital with Russ from Tue-Sat and her folks' place from Sat thru Tues. She stayed about 15 mins and then her mom came. When she left Russ wanted to go smoke again so I wheeled him down to the smoking room. (The doctor told him that his lungs are so far gone that it wouldn't matter if he quit smoking so he may as well be comfortable for the little time he has left.)
When we got back to his room I gave him a package of photos I had printed at Costco--just lots of pics of him with the family as well as some old ones I got off everyone's Facebook. We spent about half an hour looking at those and telling stories. Then he wanted to smoke again so I took him out to do that.
Back in the room we chatted for about another 20 or 30 minutes and then his lunch came. He said he wanted to eat a bit and take a nap, so we said our goodbyes and left.
It was a good visit--pretty sad. He looks bad and sounds bad. He can't walk. It's a labor getting in and out of the wheelchair. He seemed to enjoy the pictures. He said he sits and thinks about life, remembers the good times, feels bad about the bad times and tries to make sense of a few things he's done. He perked up when I said we're coming back in 2 weeks on MLK weekend. I think he's mostly lonely.
His memory seemed pretty good except for 3 things. First, he didn't recognize me when we got there. Then he called me Tom a few times, but I told Shannon that he's done that his whole life so I'm used to it. The biggest one was as we were leaving his lunch came. The attendant asked if he still needed the guest tray for his wife. We said she had gone and Russ said to leave it because she was coming back. I reminded him that she went to her mom's until Tuesday and he didn't seem to remember that. He just kind of hunched his shoulders and shook his head. So that was a little disconcerting because he seemed pretty coherent the whole time we were there.
Anyway, we had a nice visit. I told him I'd call him in a few days and see him in a couple of weeks. It was hard but I'm glad we went. I thought the hardest part would be seeing him in that condition, but the hardest part was walking out the door.
It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy he's my brother
He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
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